• Ruta Ka

Tired Of Trying To Fix Yourself?

Updated: Sep 15, 2019

If you are reading this, it is most likely that you have been on a journey of some sort of self-improvement, or self-development or self-healing (or you might come across this purely by accident - in which case good on you ;) ). All of this search most likely has been caused by something that happened at some point in your life that made you realise that you are not happy and something needs to change. How do I know this? Because I did it, and perhaps to some level, I am doing it still...


Anyway, when things are not working out well in our lives, no matter how hard we try, once we stop blaming our environment and start taking responsibility, we turn to ourselves.


What happens then?


We find things that are not perfect within us and start looking for reasons for it or we go straight into trying to fix them. So then we get into a vicious circle of always trying to better and improve ourselves because we think that somehow, the way we are right now, we either cannot or don't deserve to be/have what we want. Is this true? Well, after years of reading, watching and researching these things, I came with a conclusion: YES and NO.


How not trying to fix myself anymore looks like

Why it is true? Because even the fact that we think we need to fix ourselves shows that we believe that somehow we need to earn a right to have what we want by being "better". We believe that we are not deserving /cannot have what we want and it is true not because we actually don't deserve it, but because of this exact mentality that allows us to think so. Why? Because if we don't think something is possible for us, we won't even try to get it. For example, if I don't believe that I can become a president, I won't even try to run a campaign. Is it true that I cannot be a president? We don't know. Maybe I do have all qualities that are needed for someone to be very good in the position of responsibility and to lead the direction of the government and to serve people. However, if I don't believe that myself, I won't ever even try and we will never find out. Have you ever had a friend/relative or a person that you know, who you could see clearly is not living up to their potential? Or perhaps he/she definitely has the skills and qualities to do something they say they want, but they are not doing it? The same happens to us. I think we kind of have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to our own greatness and potentials. We somehow imagine that the other people who have or do wonderful things don't have the same problems/insecurities/defects that we do. But guess what? I think they actually do. I heard somewhere that the reason why a man/woman is never a hero in their own home is because of familiarity.


This is probably why we don't think that we are the heroes who can do or have what we want to either. We have always been living with ourselves.

There was never a gap or a period of absence in our lives where we were not there with ourselves, then we have returned and suddenly we were like "wow, look at me now - I have changed and upskilled a loooot!!!". So that's why I think that as long as we think that we think that we need to fix ourselves in order to have/be something/someone we want, we won't be able to be/have it.


Why it is not true? Again, this came to me from observing the environment, things, and people. So let's say we convinced ourselves that the reason we are single is because we are not pretty enough and so we try to make ourselves prettier, we work out, we buy clothes, cosmetics, we change our hair and then we see someone who is perhaps less pretty than us and has a good romantic relationship and even more - they seem to be absolutely happy and not bothered the least about their looks. What then? Our theory has been blown and plus we have been making all this effort and spent so much energy in order to fix what we thought we needed to fix and now that we perhaps gained the qualities that we wanted to have, in ordered to get what we want (in this case - relationship), we have discovered that having good and happy romantic relationship does not and has never depended on how we look. We feel like a fool. Or worse - we feel hopeless. This one thing that we have banked on and where hoping will fix our problems and will get what we want want is in fact not the "correct" thing to fix. So then we try to find another thing that we perhaps have missed out and once we find and sort out we will be able to have a wonderful relationship. And so the cycle goes on and on until we get really tired and give up. I believe that this applies to all areas of our lives: if we think the reason we are not rich, because we didn't get a good education - we can always find someone who is less educated than us and has more money than us. If we think that the reason we are not happy is because we don't have a good job, we can always find someone who has worse job than ours and is happier than us. So that's why I think that the theory of fixing ourselves in order to get what we want is not correct.


So what am I saying? Am I saying that we don't have a right to feel how we feel because there's always someone who has less than us and is doing better than us? Absolutely not. We do have a right to feel the way we feel, but the reason why we feel the way we feel is not because we need to fix ourselves, but because we need to accept ourselves. Even if we cannot accept ourselves, we need to accept ourselves by accepting the fact that we cannot accept ourselves the way we are right now - that is the start anyway. So what I am suggesting is to start doing things we wanted to do anyway - without waiting to be perfect, without knowing everything, without being absolutely sure that we will succeed.


I heard this phrase somewhere which goes a bit like this: an optimist will move ahead even if not all lights on the road are green, but a pessimist will not move unless all lights are green. Therefore, a pessimist will never move at all, because there is no time when all lights are green at the same time… Just saying. ;)


P.S. It is my personal point of view so, if you don't agree with me - it is OK: we all have a right to think and believe what we chose to. Have a nice day and life anyway! :)

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